Healing Communication: How To Stop Stonewalling After Infidelity by your Therapist in Sugar Land, TX
Ever since you found out there was infidelity in your relationship, there has been a growing divide between you and your partner. You are scared, stressed, hurt, panicked, and traumatized. You know there has to be communication to heal, and you are freaking out because it seems completely broken down in your relationship. The infidelity trauma you are experiencing is real, and the relationship you used to know feels like it is slipping through your fingers. It is like there is a wall between you and your partner. The wall that has been built between you is stopping the healing process, and when you want to fight for a relationship, this is scary.
When you or your partner use the silent treatment (which is when you completely intentionally refuse to speak with the other person when asked a question or say anything at all), leave the room or walk away during a conversation, respond through deflection by saying “I do not know”, or changing the subject, you or they are stonewalling. If you or they are deliberately icing the other person out, it makes the person iced out feel unimportant or dismissed. I know, as an infidelity trauma therapist, that the coldness comes from that person wanting to avoid hurt or uncomfortable emotions. These wall-forming tactics are literally known as “stonewalling” and can even occur emotionally. This happens when one person appears emotionless, blank, and expressionless during interactions. Other times, stonewalling occurs when a person becomes hyper-focused on tasks to avoid interaction.
How to Respond to and Stop Stonewalling
Breaking the cycle requires patience; you have to learn to self-regulate and focus less on the confrontation. But what does this mean?
Stop Pursuing: When your partner has shut down, stop. Take a pause, recognize that you are pressing for an immediate answer, which only intensifies their need to withdraw. This is where self-regulation comes in: you must learn to sit with your discomfort when you want an immediate answer. DBT therapy is a great help in learning self-regulation and in helping people sit with their discomfort.
Take a Timeout: At a time when both you and your partner are calm, talk about how you need a break, or that you recognize that they need a break. Agree on an agreed-upon amount of time (at least 20 minutes) and, after this break, agree to return to the conversation.
Set Boundaries: Boundaries in this situation are tricky. Remember that boundaries keep you safe, but they also keep people out, which is not the goal if we are trying to come back together as a couple. It is important that a boundary is not a threat or a punishment. You need to establish what the best possible scenario is for an uncomfortable situation and how the two of you can accommodate it. I highly suggest couples counseling to help with this process.
Use "I" Statements: When you use “I statements,” it helps prevent the other person from feeling attacked or accused, which decreases the odds of a defensive reaction to what is being spoken about. Try to stick to the facts and how they made you feel, not the other person.
Seek Counseling: Listen, as a couple addressing infidelity is difficult. It is highly emotional, and there are so many intricacies that go into recovering from infidelity trauma. I highly recommend that you each have individual counseling and set a goal to enter couples counseling. The best players have coaches, advisors, and mentors in life, and with the stakes so high, so should you.
If you are working to recover from infidelity trauma, please do not hesitate to call Southern Pine Counseling. I would love to provide individual counseling to help you gain confidence, learn to bring down your walls, and offer support when you feel iced out by your partner. I know this is the hardest time in your life, and I am here to support you every step of the way through your infidelity trauma recovery.
