How Financial Stress Erodes Relationships
Lately, have you been noticing that you have been staring down your partner on the opposite side of the couch?… You’re both silent, the air saturated with unsaid tension and anxieties. Financial stress has made itself impossible to ignore, and suddenly, your relationship has gone from feeling romantic to feeling like a hostile merger.
Financial stress is the absolute worst; it is awkward, embarrassing, and stressful. Financial stress, when unprocessed, slowly erodes relationships, and the longer it is left untouched, the more damage there is. For some of you, you have already passed the warning signs and are in full financial stress chaos; for others, you may think that money is the source of the relationship stress but are not certain. As a couples therapist, I want to provide a bit of clarity on this.
In the beginning, money stress usually begins with the classic communication problems. You have heard the saying, “money is the root of all evil”, but really, it’s the root of all awkward silences. It starts with you or your spouse dodging the discussions about the bills. Every attempt to discuss finances spirals into World War III, so now you both tiptoe around the topic, clinging to the magical thinking that maybe, possibly, if you ignore the credit card statement, it’ll vanish. As you both know deep down, it won’t. All that dodging just feeds resentment, anxiety, and an isolation that increases gradually, leading you guys to feel like you’re sharing a bed with a stranger. Nothing says “I love you” like a thick wall of silence, right?
Another sign of financial stress is certain behavioral changes in you or your spouse. Maybe your partner splurges on new shoes, and you can't help but roll your eyes, mumbling criticisms under your breath, or maybe you deliver an Oscar-worthy critique of their spending habits. Every debit card purchase requires a full explanation and causes a blood-boiling reaction. Maybe to you or your partner, every purchase seems like a personal insult. Your guys' anxiety? Through the roof. You start to wonder…Are we still a team, or just roommates now saddled with shared debts?
If you have gotten to the point where you feel like roommates, things can escalate, and all of a sudden you may start keeping score of whatever purchases or errors are made. Nothing inspires your inner accountant faster than a little financial infidelity. It doesn't even become tracking to stay within budget anymore; it becomes building your arsenal for the next fight you find yourself in with your partner. “Oh, you forgot our anniversary? But you remembered to spend $200 on fantasy football!” It’s about power and control, not the budget. Trust starts to fade, and you both find yourselves constantly waiting for the next financial slip-up to use as your trump card.
Things become worse when someone stumbles onto a secret credit card, a hidden stash of cash, or a loan that’s been staying in the shadows. Or maybe you’re the one sneaking shopping bags into the back of the closet. The hidden spending routine breeds shame, guilt, and loneliness, which, if one of you has a spending problem, is often attempted to be soothed by more shopping. Anxiety from yourself or the other person is the fuel that could be worsening your financial situation and is only made worse when kept in the dark.
Oftentimes with couples, as financial stressors spiral further out of control, the blame game begins. Suddenly, you’re not just arguing about money; you’re tallying up who caused the debt, who lost the job, and who’s the bigger liability. At this point, you have become each other's rivals instead of lovers, forgetting the real enemy is the stack of bills, not each other. And now the tension in your house is so thick you could cut it with a knife. The stress of the change in the relationship and mounting money problems keep you up at night, and it is exhausting.
In almost any relationship, it is common to have someone who makes more than the other person. The problem with this can be that it can be used as a power play or control issue in the relationship for the other person. Maybe one of you controls the bank accounts and starts calling the shots, turning money into a bargaining chip instead of a shared resource. The partner with less financial say feels small and resentful, while the one on top gets to be king (or queen) of a very lonely castle made of receipts.
Everyone has their own relationship with money, and generally people can be broken down into two categories: savers and spenders. Maybe you’re a saver, clutching every dime for a rainy day, while your partner lives for the moment, consequences be damned. Soon, the friction builds, and you stop dreaming together. The couple that planned for retirement, a dream home, maybe even kids, now can barely see past next week’s electric bill. All that passion and playfulness is now drained out by worry. You notice you guys are no longer holding hands, planning for fun times; plans fade, and you are becoming indifferent to one another.
Financial stress can bankrupt your romantic connection. But here’s the good news: as a couples counselor, I can help you. I can teach you how to recognize these patterns first and foremost and work with you on establishing positive communication around money and understanding the other person. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.
