There has been something weighing on your mind for the past few days, and you want to ask your partner something. Inside, the question is burning because you need to ask it, but at the same time, you and your partner have a history of a pattern of behavior that stops you. You don’t want to sound like a nag or, worse, be their villain. You feel lost about how to ask for help without being a burden or sounding like you're accusing them of not doing enough. Inside, you know there are relationships where people ask one another for something…maybe more quality time, a little help around your home, or to try something new that breaks up the same old boring routine you guys have been stuck in. This is where your Sugar Land Couples therapist can help; I can teach you how to be assertive without aggression, Alyssia Anderson style.
Requests vs. Demands:
Let’s start by stripping back to the basics: what is the difference between a request and a demand. A request is an invitation for connection, whereas a demand typically carries a negative element, such as contempt or criticism. An example of a demand could be, “You never help with dinner. Can you just do it for once!?”
In order to make that sentiment into a request, you would say something like, “I feel overwhelmed after work, and it would mean a lot to me if we could take turns with who prepares dinner.” Notice, there is no character attack or negativity toward the other person. The idea is PARTNERSHIP. You’re opening the door for collaboration, not confrontation. Something as simple as a tone shift can make a huge difference in your delivery and how they receive a request.
Have you ever watched a rom-com and you can feel the tension between the couple? They obviously have feelings for one another, and you can see they are holding back…if you are anything like me, you find yourself on the edge of your seat, basically yelling at the TV, “Just say it…he loves you, just say what you feel!” Then the lover finally admits “I need you!” and there is this cohesive sign of relief. While this is a super dramatic version of an I need statement, “I need statements” are a critical part of a relationship. I need statements keep you from making accusations or criticisms in your request from your partner. They allow you to show up with your honest desires and avoid hostility.
If you feel like you are lacking affection, you may want to say, “You never cuddle with me anymore when we watch shows,”. This is going to make your partner more likely to respond from a defensive place. Saying something like, “I need to feel close to you, because cuddling helps me feel loved.” See the difference? You’re exposing a vulnerability, not lobbing a complaint.
Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is all about expressing your softer feelings instead of your secondary, more “defensive” ones. To do this, you want to avoid leading with frustration (“Why can’t you ever listen?”), and do your best to lead with your softer, more vulnerable side and say something like “I need to know you’re really hearing me, because sometimes I feel invisible.” When people can understand the why, and they can see how you are feeling, it causes them to see things in a different light, and often draws them in and motivates them to help.
Most of the time, when we are asking for something, we are looking for connection and support from the other person; we do not mean to attack, but we do in our emotional distress. When we ask for what we need, we are asking to connect with our partner, for them to help and remind us that we are cared for and valued to them. Asking for what you need often is an expression that is working to get the attention, affirmation, or affection from your partner. When we’re hurt or tired, bids can come out sideways…better known as criticisms.
Here are some examples:
Criticism: “You’re always monitoring your fantasy football team; you care more about that team than me.”
Connection Bid: “I love it when we talk in the evenings. Could you wait to make your trades for a half-hour after dinner?”
Notice how when you say something similar to the first statement, it could be interpreted or feel like an accusation to your partner, correct? On the other hand, when you read the tone that comes across in the second statement, it reads more or less as an opportunity for your partner to connect with you.
The best-intentioned requests can and often do get lost in translation. Life is busy, and we are tired, or hungry, or overwhelmed, and trying to workshop your communication on the fly is extremely difficult. That’s where couples therapy can be super helpful. As your therapist, I help you and your partner hear each other’s needs as invitations for connection, not attacks. I’ll coach you through using “I” statements, recognizing your own triggers, and seeing your partner’s requests for what they really are: efforts to connect, not attacks or put-downs.
So when making requests from your partner…
Start with “I feel” or “I need.”
Be specific.
Express vulnerability.
Reframe criticisms into bids.
And if you need more help, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.
