As a mother, you know the real fear and panic behind “winter is coming”. Once the week before Thanksgiving hits, the pumpkin spice latte is lukewarm in your hand, and you suddenly realize you’re the only one who remembers your partner’s mother hates nutmeg, your uncle needs a gluten-free pie, and the Elf on the Shelf needs a “re-entry” plan. The holiday season is coming in hot, and while your family gets the “joy” of the holidays, you get the “stress”. In a world where holiday stress reigns supreme, I, Alyssia Anderson, your resident Sugar Land stress and relationship therapist expert, want to help you ease the tension that can come between you and your partner when the holiday stress and overwhelm hit.
Tale as old as time, one person in the relationship usually is the planner, or in this case the “CEO of Holiday Operations” most of the time AKA “Mom” haha. As the holiday CEO, you remember the gift wrapping, the cookie swap, and the nightly “Elf on the Shelf” nightly adventures too. Meanwhile, your partner is casually googling “last-minute gifts” (for you, his only gifting responsibility) and wondering why you seem so tense (the nerve, right?!).
If you’re the “CEO of Holiday Operations,” you probably feel overwhelmed, invisible, and maybe even a little resentful. You have likely found yourself wondering, “Does anyone even notice all the magic I’m making happen here?” (It is a thankless job, which is sometimes disappointing and defeating.) As unlikely as it may seem, on the flip side… if you’re the partner who’s not the planner, you often feel criticized, unsure where you fit in, or scared to step on any toes, and guilty for not knowing what to do and where you even fit in to being part of the memories.
Couples everywhere often feel frazzled, not festive, during this time of year. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here is how I, Alyssia Anderson, your couples counselor, help you to avoid the holiday meltdowns and make sure you and your partner are not feeling left alone in the holiday cold.
Make That Invisible List VISIBLE
Let’s acknowledge the invisible work. If you’re the one who remembers every tradition and tiny detail, it can feel like nobody sees how much you’re doing, and truthfully, they do not. Your partner can’t read your mind to know where to jump in and help.
Before the season really takes off, sit down together and create a physical list of all the holiday tasks, big and small. Be specific: who’s buying gifts for who (what is the budget for each person), who’s sending cards (where do they order them from, and do you keep the addresses)? Who’s planning the menu, and where are the recipes so someone can handle grocery shopping for the chosen menu? Make your “To Do List VISIBLE,” and suddenly, the invisible work you have been slaving away at alone has nowhere to hide, and your partner knows what they can jump in and do, no excuses. This isn’t about keeping score; it’s about becoming a team, making the workload (and the magic) visible and shareable.
Example: You realize you’re the only one who buys teacher gifts for the kids. You add it to the list, and your partner offers to handle it this year. Boom teamwork.
Practice a Stress-Reducing Conversation
Schedule a “Follow-up” with your partner. Find a time when you can both share what’s stressing you out and what is keeping you from experiencing “holiday joy.”
I know you “don't have time”; BUT you have to force yourself to set aside 20-30 minutes, phones off, TV paused. You and your partner need to take turns talking about what’s on your minds, holiday-related or not. When it is not your turn to share, as the listener, YOU MUST empathize. No “You should just…” or “Why don’t you…” Just, “That sounds hard. I get why you feel that way.”
Example: You say, “I’m worried about hosting Christmas dinner. I want everything to be perfect.” Your partner says, “That sounds really stressful. I appreciate how much you care.” Magic.
Schedule a “State of the Union Meeting”
Dr. John Gottman, the relationship guru, coined the “State of the Union Meeting”. Gottman explained that this meeting is important for maintaining your relationship's health and well-being; it is like getting your car tuned up from time to time. A “state of the union” is about connecting with your spouse, giving yourselves time to plan, and discussing what you need as individuals and as a couple.
Here’s the recipe:
Set the same meeting time each week (Sunday morning check-in and coffee, anyone?).
Start with “Thank you”. Each partner shares something they noticed or appreciated about the other person that week.
Get to the point. What’s weighing on you? Work, family, holiday chaos?
Explain using specifics what your needs and wishes are for the week. What would make the upcoming week better or easier?
Plan. Who’s doing what? Where can you support each other?
End with affection. A hug, a kiss, whatever, your choice.
Holidays should not be about perfection; chasing perfection can lead to isolation… which is the opposite of what you seek in the holiday season. By making space for conversation, dividing the invisible work, and meeting regularly to plan and support one another, you won’t just survive the season; you’ll actually enjoy it. I hope you can implement these changes so this is the year you get to enjoy the holiday.
If you and your partner need a little help breaking old communication patterns or want guidance setting up a positive holiday routine, relationship therapist Alyssia Anderson at Southern Pine Counseling is here for you. Alyssia specializes in helping couples navigate stress, strengthen connection, and build habits that last far beyond the holiday season. Ready to make this year different? Click the link to schedule your free 15-minute consultation because the best gift you can give each other is a happier, healthier relationship.
