What does it mean to have a “threat-focused” brain after infidelity trauma?

So you discovered an infidelity, or one was disclosed. It has left you spinning out, and you do not feel like yourself. Your brain and body have become completely different. Your mind has shifted into hyper-focusing on potential threats, especially those related to further hurt, betrayal, or infidelity.  Infidelity trauma or betrayal trauma gives people symptoms that often fall in line with what people feel when they have PTSD because your nervous system is constantly scanning for danger, looking for potential danger, and how it can stop potential danger from happening. This leaves you, the betrayed, in a state of hypervigilance, feeling emotional volatility, and unable to feel safe, even long after the discovery. The constant, 24/7 scanning for threats is mentally and physically draining.

You may have noticed that every time your partner’s phone rings, your heart sinks to your gut, and you freeze in fear. When you see your partner pick up their phone and open a text, you hold your breath, scanning their face for any hint of what it is about. You ask who called, who texted, wait til they sleep, and slink to their nightstand to scroll, hoping to find relief in seeing it was what they said it was. Giving them any time alone or allowing them to go anywhere seems like you are granting them permission to hurt you again. When things are quiet, you feel yourself wanting to break into their mind, to see their thoughts, to know what they are thinking about.

This leads you to ask questions, to interrogate every half-smile, the few minutes late walking in the door, and the picture they lingered on while scrolling through their phone. You constantly bring up the infidelity, your concerns for further hurt, and how your partner has left you wounded. This is because your brain is stuck in a trauma loop replaying the images of what the infidelity was. It is your brain failing at processing the trauma that it has experienced. The ability to trust not only the partner but also yourself is heavily compromised, further complicating how you operate in the world and how you interpret yourself in your environment. This often leads to avoidance, because you do not know whom or what to trust, so you stay home to protect yourself from physical danger and the danger posed by others (fear of judgment, fear of having to answer other people’s questions, or fear of what you may see).

When you are at home, the fear of being hurt again takes up all of your thoughts. Being in a constant state of threat impairs memory (you walk into rooms and forget why you are there). You space the trip to the store to get supplies for your kids' science project due tomorrow. Everything begins to feel rushed and disjointed.  You start and stop tasks because of your lack of concentration, leaving half-finished projects everywhere in your wake.  You want to hear what your friends are chatting about, but you lose track of the conversations because of your thoughts and fears. The lack of focus and constant worrying make decision-making harder. You truly feel stuck in your life.

You do not have to stay in this tortured state. You can stop the playback loop. You can start processing the trauma. If you find yourself unable to function in daily life, or if intrusive thoughts persist and feel unmanageable, call Southern Pine Counseling today. You will learn to calm yourself down and to process your fears and hurt. Alyssia at Southern Pine Counseling helps women just like you who have been hurting after infidelity. She knows how to help you relieve the pain you are feeling and get your brain out of its’ threat-focused state. Through EMDR, DBT, and CBT interventions, Alyssia helps women just like you every day find a way out. A way through the pain. Contact Alyssia today to start on your path of healing.