Anxious Attachment Displayed in Adults Due To Childhood Trauma By Your Sugar Land Therapist

Anxious attachment often results from inconsistent caregiving in childhood, when parents or caregivers were sometimes supportive and other times emotionally unavailable. The unpredictability of their responses meant you never knew what to expect, causing insecurity. Many with anxious attachment had to put their caregiver's needs first, suppressing their own feelings, a form of emotional dismissal. This taught you that your emotions didn’t matter, so you became louder or more emotional to get your needs met. This is also a form of childhood trauma that may show up as repeatedly asking, "Do you still love me?" or overanalyzing your partner’s words and actions for signs of trouble. Adults with anxious attachment frequently people-please, neglect their own needs, or worry their partner is interested in someone else. As someone who has possibly experienced childhood trauma, you might avoid conflict out of fear, or sometimes you may provoke conflict because you’re afraid of being left and want reassurance. If you’re unsure whether anxious attachment affects you or your relationship, here are some examples from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Andy (the main character in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) does a great job showing how a person who struggles with anxious attachment desperately needs reassurance. She frequently and repeatedly calls/texts Ben, and then she shows up unexpectedly at his home unannounced. This demonstrates how someone with an anxious attachment style needs reassurance about their partner's feelings. Andy is seeking continuous validation from Ben (each time he answers the phone or consents to her requests, he is confirming her interest in him and providing her with relief from the fear that he will lose interest in her or leave her). If you notice these patterns in your relationship, know that change is possible with the help of a trained therapist like Alyssia Anderson. It is possible to learn to overcome insecurities through CBT, DBT, and EMDR interventions, which can help you build confidence and lay a foundation for healthy relationships.

Another example of anxious attachment is demonstrated in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, when Andy takes a drawer and brings a separate set of belongings to Ben’s bathroom, essentially moving in very early in their relationship. The idea is that Andy is making it “their” place; she demonstrates her fear of being left alone and emotional insecurity, and, to quell this discomfort, she “secures” their relationship through physical closeness.

At various points in the movie, you can see Andy watching Ben intently, and he becomes distracted or less affectionate; she begins to worry that Ben is losing interest. People with  early childhood trauma that develops into anxious attachment are hypervigilant to any threats in the relationship, and they are very attuned to any signs of disengagement from their partner. You interpret the distracted behavior as a loss of interest, threatening your relationship, which triggers anxiety that something bad is going to happen, and you are going to be alone again. When Andy notices that there is a distraction or less affection, she immediately begins to question Ben’s feelings, asking if he loves her or if he is really committed to her. This is also especially noticeable when they have minor disagreements. This shows that, inside, Andy is struggling with her confidence and her sense of value as a person, and also reveals her lack of trust in relationships and her worry that her partner is unreliable, as she might have experienced with inconsistent caregivers in the past. By working with Alyssia at Southern Pine Counseling, you can learn how to rebuild trust within yourself and learn how to establish a healthy form of trust with other people. During therapy with Alyssia, you will use DBT mindfulness techniques, such as pausing to notice your own emotions before reacting, and learn how to break your cycle of doubt through EMDR and CBT therapies.

During the movie, Ben tries to set boundaries or communicate that he feels uncomfortable with Andy’s actions. You see Andy create big, dramatic scenes, becoming overly emotional and making unreasonable demands to provoke actions from him that prove his interest in her. The dramatic scenes are classic anxious attachment behavior, done to test their partner's commitment and confirm their partner's interest in them. This is where therapy can be helpful. Instead of creating a dramatic scene, you can learn healthy coping mechanisms, such as self-soothing, build habits of positive self-talk, and develop a tolerance for sitting with some discomfort so you can take time to reflect before reacting. By learning to do these things in therapy, you can create a more secure and supportive dynamic in relationships.