Ugly From Infidelity

The unthinkable has happened, you discovered a partner betrayal, and while you were not the one who stepped out, hell, you did not even consider it a possibility, you feel like you are carrying a giant weight. And sometimes when you look at yourself in the mirror, that weight can cause your eyes to literally see the weight, or the ugliness that you are feeling on the inside…on your outside. Suddenly, your standing there judging yourself, picking over your body in an effort to gain some sense of control, some way to make sense of what happened, and against all lognic, it hits you and as much as you want to believe it is not…your inner critic in your mind wispers that the problem is you…and then you find yourself either avoiding mirrors, because you cannot stand to see all your “defects” or judging every inch of your body. If this is your experience after being cheated on you are not alone.

When you experience infidelity, it feels like someone has launched a full-scale attack on your self-worth, especially your relationship with your body. Then couple that with the sadness and the anxiety that comes with that, and the three feed one another in the worst way. Your anxiety feeds your sadness, and your depression leads to more self-criticism, and before you know it, you’re not just grieving a partner’s betrayal; you’re losing the woman you thought you were and hating the person you see now.

Why is it that when someone cheats on us, we feel as if we’ve lost our allure? To me, this comes in a few answers, one as a society we often see women treated differently than men when they go through a relationship change. Women are often asked what went wrong, implying that they were responsible for what happened (that if they as a partner, had worked harder in some way, shape, or form, their partner would not have wandered), which is not fair. Secondly,  we unfairly assume that the affair partner holds some secret key to attractiveness that we lack (which often relates back to the first reason). As women, our feelings of the emotional trauma of betrayal aren’t only felt in our hearts; they radiate into our skin, our stomach, and our sleep, and all of these things then impact how we look, which then leads us to judge ourselves more. It is emotionally distressing, and it leaves us spiraling in our hurt and insecurities.

When trust is shattered, your body and mind default into survival mode.  “PTSD”  symptoms kick in, and your nervous system goes into overdrive, scanning for danger, replaying every detail, looking for clues you missed. Suddenly, you’re hyper-aware of every flaw. Some therapists call this Betrayal-Induced Body Dysmorphia. The experience of being cheated on and going through infidelity, however you experience it or define it in your relationship, often is a very lonely experience.

Even women who have been idolized for their beauty have been here and felt the same way you do right now. Tyra Banks, the supermodel who redefined beauty for millions, admitted that a partner’s cheating left her feeling ugly. Imagine that. If Tyra Banks can feel unattractive, I can only imagine how we mere mortals feel!

Brandi Glanville another celebrity (lesser known than Tyra), after her very public breakup, confessed that she spent a year wondering if her body was the problem. Was she not tall enough? Skinny enough? Were her boobs not big enough? Should she have had blue eyes? These are all questions that any woman who has gone through infidelity, no matter what the type, whether an emotional affair, physical affair, OnlyFans relationship, or porn usage.

Eva Longoria, another icon of beauty and confidence, revealed that after her ex-husband’s affair, she spiraled into doubts about her sexiness, her intelligence, and her very worth as a woman. If the women on glossy magazine covers feel this pain, your suffering is not only understandable, it’s heartbreakingly human.

And just because I want to drive this notion that what you are feeling is normal (even though it is horrible and nobody should have to feel that way). Jennifer Lopez, after revealing someone had cheated on her, said, "It's about realizing it's not about you. When someone cheats on you, it's about them… about their shortcomings (11 Celebs Share What It's Like to Be Cheated On - PopCulture.com). It makes it feel like it's about our shortcomings, like there was something wrong with us," Lopez said. "But the truth is, that it's really their ego, and what they need to fill within themselves that drives them to do things like that. Not because you weren't enough” (https://popculture.com/celebrity/news/celebrities-who-have-been-cheated-on-infidelity/).

If you are wondering if you’ll ever feel beautiful again, know this: you are not alone. Your hurt and pain are real and valid, your confusion is normal, and your body right now, exactly as it is, is not to blame for someone else’s bad choices.

You deserve healing, not harsher self-criticism. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin again. And you deserve help that understands the very particular pain of betrayal. If you’re ready to take a step toward that healing, reach out to Alyssia at Southern Pine Counseling for your free 15-minute consult.