Your Weight Isn’t the Reason: Why the Scale Can’t Measure Your Worth or Keep Him Faithful

You discovered your husband is having an affair, or maybe he admitted the affair, or all of a sudden you saw his Pornhub history or discovered an OnlyFans or dating profile. Whichever poison it may be, it is gutting. You did not see it coming, and now you are reeling. You never thought there was anything wrong with you, but now, when you look in the mirror, you see every.single.flaw. Lately, your weight has been beating you up, and you wonder if things would be different if you had thought to decrease that scale number sooner. You start telling yourself he would not have had an affair with that office assistant or the girls on the internet if you had been more aware of your weight.  As your intimacy/betrayal trauma therapist, I have to stop you right there. Take it from me, Alyssia Anderson (an intimacy trauma expert): your weight did not cause your husband to cheat (your brain is trying to help you make sense of an impossible situation, so right now your brain is grasping at straws for any reason to make sense as to how this terrible thing could happen to you). And the number on that scale…It won’t keep him faithful, either. Let me help you unpack the emotional baggage you have been carrying around, beating yourself up, and get to the truth.

I want you to understand that cheating is your husband's choice. It’s not a result of your pants size, your dress fitting a little tighter post-holidays, or the extra scoop of ice cream you allowed yourself last weekend. If your spouse cheated, it’s because of his own issues; it is HIS insecurities, HIS lack of commitment, or HIS inability to communicate. It’s NOT because you went up a size in jeans. That number on the scale didn’t make him stray and, newsflash, it won’t stop him from doing it again (though your brain is going to work overtime to convince you otherwise). If your husband or partner is looking for reasons to cheat, they’ll find one, regardless of your measurements.

Your worth should never be defined by your weight. Your worth never has been determined by your weight, so why start making it the determinant now?If you tie your self-esteem to a number that can fluctuate with a glass of water or a salty dinner, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. The scale is ALWAYS subject to change. Your body is a living, breathing, ever-evolving thing, not a statue. As a woman, your body is experiences cycles, seasons, and the occasional chocolate binge. And that’s normal. That’s life.

Instead of letting the scale measure your self-worth, you need to start to decide to define it for yourself. You do this by starting to see the beauty you have right now. Not what you wish you had, or what you had in college. Or worst of all, what you think he wanted you to have. There is freedom in finding what you can be proud of and like about yourself. Pride and freedom look better on you than any number ever could.

Here’s how you start:

1. Identify Your Positive Qualities
   Make a list. What do you love about yourself (and don’t you dare say “nothing”)? Are you a loyal friend? Do you have a laugh that’s contagious? Maybe you’re a killer at trivia night or you are organized, social, empathetic, kind, charitable, dedicated, loyal, forgiving, a problem solver, creative…. Write those down. These are the things that make you irreplaceable, unforgettable, and worthy. Tape them to your mirror if you have to. Remind yourself daily that you are more than your body.

2. Define Your Personal Style
   You don’t have to squeeze yourself into the latest trends if they don’t make you feel fabulous. Pick three words that define your personal style. Then when you are looking to buy or put an outfit together, make sure it fits two of those three. Find what makes you feel powerful, comfortable, and authentic.  Invest time and energy into growing your own style, not shrinking your body. The more you love what you see in the mirror, the more confidence you’ll radiate, and trust me, confidence is magnetic.

3. Connect With Your Passions and Your People
   There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman lit up by something she loves. Whether it’s painting, running, gardening, or dancing, pour yourself into the things that bring you joy. And while you’re at it, surround yourself with people who see your value and remind you of it. When you have a connection to community through your passions, you get confirmation of your true self being acceptable, loved, and cared about. You can see that you have value. That is critical after an affair.

4. Practice Self-Compassion
   When that inner critic rears her ugly head, talk to yourself like you would your best friend. Would you tell her she’s unlovable because of a few pounds? Of course not. Offer yourself the same grace.

If that scale is contributing to your negatie self talk, hide it. Your value is inherent, unshakeable, and absolutely not up for negotiation by anyone, least of all a cheating spouse or a bathroom scale. Dress up, show up, and fall in love with the person you are… and give yourself grace right now. If you need help, contact me; I am here to support you through this difficult time. Click here to schedule your free consultation.